What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:01
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was seconnd youngest,
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
All the time i was locked up.
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Im still living with it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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My life is so biszare .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why is the covert narcissist actively avoiding me when they see me everyday?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why do some women squirt and some don't?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why did i forgive my father ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
I write beautiful poetry .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I couldn’t, believe it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She wouldn,t have been !
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I waited trembling.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
I will be 64.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were not on the streets..
My family never makes their pension either.
I was 9 years of age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Ive learnt so much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I have no regrets .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I could never make a relationship work though!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Would this be the day?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He knew the spot.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So whats the point in blame.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I said to her
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What did i know ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When she asked me how she looked .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was in good health!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She married twice! .
One cannot live in the past .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He resisted the act ,that day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is soul school!.
She loved him until the end.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Comes on , in middle age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So, i spoilt her more .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I think the readers, may guess!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Put me off passion for life!!
But, we were locked up after school.
But it wasn’t much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We all went to grammer schools
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I don,t even have a pension.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.